Personality Test

As I have mentioned in the preceding blog, I have taken the NEO personality inventory test two weeks ago. My spiritual director gave me this test to further underpin the vulnerabilities of my personality. That through this test I may be able to understand how to better handle my issues. I thought this test would give me some hope that despite my struggles, there are untapped talents I can use to my advantage. Much to my surprise, the result showed that I have to do a lot of hard work and house cleaning. I was all the more sucked into my so-called depression. There were no untapped talents that I can use to convince myself that things were not as bad as they seem. On the contrary, my weaknesses surfaced out in that test. Weaknesses that I may have denied unconsciously were all verified in black and white.

I was down and felt so broken that I seem so hopeless and helpless. Good thing was it made me realized that that was reality. Just like in any math problems, all the unknowns, givens and constants are laid down. There is no other option but to buckle down to work and find the solution or a means to cope with the situation. When the unknowns, givens and constants in a problem are correct and true, I am at least 50% confident that there IS a correct answer to be expected. Self-pity and blame will not help alleviate those uncomfortable feelings in me. Happiness was my only choice.

A tool that is helping me in my recovery is the book Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. It is a book about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This field of psychotherapy proposes that what we feel is a product of our cognitions and/or behaviors. If we work on our distorted cognitions and behaviors, our feelings can improve. Of course, it is not as simple as that. There are unexplainable feelings that affect the way we think and behave; that sometimes, without the help of professionals, we would not be able to understand and improve.

I know that I am not alone in this healing process. My friends have their own fair share of struggles. And mine may not be as serious as theirs. I now live a day at a time. Things may not look as good as I wanted them to be but I know I am moving in the right direction. It will just be a matter of time.