Today is the third day of mourning for the families who lost their loved ones in the Glorietta 2 bombing. Some of those of who died may be buried tomorrow. And I can't imagine the extreme pain of those who lost their loved ones as their dead slowly descend 6 feet below the ground. Such loss is just too abrupt and inexplicable. Of the many people who could possibly be there in that particular spot and time of the bombing, why their loved ones?
Losses even when they are justifiable can already pain us. How much more when they are incomprehensible? Why these innocent people? Why now? Why such a gruesome death? There seem to be no acceptable answers to these questions. It's so easy to say that all these pain and losses are bearable when seen under the light of faith. But I guess before one dives with an act of faith, he must jump from a steady spring board of reality. The reality of experiencing the pain from a sudden loss of a significant person.
Grieving is the process of washing away, literally with one's tears, the pain of loss. Only after then can one accept and embrace with faith the painful and harsh reality that the people we dearly love can be taken away from us anytime and sometimes with no apparent reasons.
I remember being told by my sister that the pastor who officiated the burial of my uncle last year told the people present not to shed tears as my uncle is being buried because it is "un-christian" to cry for someone who will go to heaven. According to him, people must be happy that their loved ones will be re-united with their Creator. It was so inhuman of him to tell people that. I was so infuriated hearing that story. Didn't he know that Christ himself wept when he learned that his friend Lazarus died?
Let us pray, not only for the souls of the innocent victims of the Glorietta bombing, but also for their kin who will have to grieve for the coming months or years. God have mercy on us.
I'm back...again
I'm back again with blogging after more than a month of silence and hibernation. This time around, I will try to be more concise in my blogging. To all my friends asking me for an update on my blog, I really appreciate your patience.
The past weeks have been filled with lots of insights not only about myself but with other aspects of life in general. Inspiring books have been my companion lately. In the coming days, I will attempt to share those thoughts with you dear friends.
In the meantime, one of the things that has made me less of a pessimist was the thought that people at my age of 35 yrs old can still look forward to, at least, 25 years ahead of optimism, meaning and productivity. This thought has enabled me to enthusiastically plan ahead and to realize that though things may not always happen as I planned them to be, God's love never fails to show me that there is more to life. And in the last 35 years of my life, after connecting the dots, things almost always turned out for the better though it may have been peppered with some frustrations and disappointments.
Dear friends, hold on to God. He never fails. His love is enduring.
The past weeks have been filled with lots of insights not only about myself but with other aspects of life in general. Inspiring books have been my companion lately. In the coming days, I will attempt to share those thoughts with you dear friends.
In the meantime, one of the things that has made me less of a pessimist was the thought that people at my age of 35 yrs old can still look forward to, at least, 25 years ahead of optimism, meaning and productivity. This thought has enabled me to enthusiastically plan ahead and to realize that though things may not always happen as I planned them to be, God's love never fails to show me that there is more to life. And in the last 35 years of my life, after connecting the dots, things almost always turned out for the better though it may have been peppered with some frustrations and disappointments.
Dear friends, hold on to God. He never fails. His love is enduring.
Song Writing
To be a professional song writer was once my dream. It remains a dream if not a fantasy. I may not be a professional song writer but I can somehow write songs occasionally.
I started writing a song in second year high school. I wrote my first song in about 2 hours. And in the same day I finished writing it, I joined a summer camp singing contest and sang that song. That was how confident I was with my song writing despite my not-so-high confidence in my singing skills. Haha! And when it was my turn to sing in that contest, I had 6 takes to finish my song. Yes, SIX gutsy takes! I guess everyone watching was amused with my guts. ("Kapal ng mukha" in Filipino)
But I can still recall that my self-esteem was undiminished despite of that seemingly embarassing moment. Deep inside me, I felt I had the gift. I continued writing songs and personally enjoyed it and until eventually a good number of people took notice.
I was fortunate enough that I had superiors and friends then who encouraged me to develop that talent. In my senior year, our Principal, who was incidentally my spiritual director, encouraged me or should I say ordered me to develop my talent in song writing. He tasked me to write songs for community programs such as the Annual Welcome Program for freshmen, Intramurals, Parents' day, Graduation and other important community events. But did my peers really liked those songs I have written? That would be another story! (I hope they did. Else, I pity them for being "used" by someone who wanted to develop his song writing skills.)
Contemporary songwriters such as Ogie Alcasid, Jamie Rivera, Jimmy Antiporda, Tots Faustino, APO, Odette Quesada, Jose Marie Chan and Ryan Cayabyab, to mention a few, really inspired me. I never missed watching Ryan-Ryan Musikahan then. It was very inspiring.
I really wanted to enroll in UP Conservatory of Music. But the thought of the possibility of not being able to financially support a family by being a professional musician scared me then. My family's financial crisis at that time aggravated that fear further.
So I just put this talent to a better use. Aside from composing songs for school occasions, I also wrote and recorded songs for women I intended to court. Unfortunately, I always had a broken heart after giving them my songs. I sounded like a hopeless romantic with my songs. Believe it or not, but up to now I have this sort of belief that my love songs had some kind of curse on me. So far, women for whom I write love songs, for some reason or another, usually get disconnected with me - emotionally and pyhsically - after some time. It's one reason(or excuse) why I am bit scared to write a song for my wife. (Strangely it does not scare her...hahaha!) An exception, of course, were my friends who asked me to write a song for their girlfriends. Two out of two of them are happily married now with the women to whom they gave my song. This is where my songs strike a luck. Any single man out there wants to try my lucky songs? (Hmmm...why not make a business out of this?)
I remember joining a songwriting contest in my high school senior year. I knew I had a very good composition then. Quite many of my friends and superiors liked my song entry. Unfortunately, the contest was cancelled after I have submitted my entry. I also attempted to join the Metro-Pop songwriting contest. I admittedly procarastinated at that time.
But just recently my song was adjudged in the top ten of the Kerygma Family songwriting contest (I hope there were more than 10 song entries submitted). It will be included in the album production of Shepherd's Voice Praise and Worship Songs. It feels good and very encouraging. It has almost been 12 years when I started to write songs again this year. I thought I've lost it but thank God it's still there.
I hope I can further enhance this gift to inspire and bless others - either with inspiring songs or with songs that give them a better idea of how NOT to write a song.
I started writing a song in second year high school. I wrote my first song in about 2 hours. And in the same day I finished writing it, I joined a summer camp singing contest and sang that song. That was how confident I was with my song writing despite my not-so-high confidence in my singing skills. Haha! And when it was my turn to sing in that contest, I had 6 takes to finish my song. Yes, SIX gutsy takes! I guess everyone watching was amused with my guts. ("Kapal ng mukha" in Filipino)
But I can still recall that my self-esteem was undiminished despite of that seemingly embarassing moment. Deep inside me, I felt I had the gift. I continued writing songs and personally enjoyed it and until eventually a good number of people took notice.
I was fortunate enough that I had superiors and friends then who encouraged me to develop that talent. In my senior year, our Principal, who was incidentally my spiritual director, encouraged me or should I say ordered me to develop my talent in song writing. He tasked me to write songs for community programs such as the Annual Welcome Program for freshmen, Intramurals, Parents' day, Graduation and other important community events. But did my peers really liked those songs I have written? That would be another story! (I hope they did. Else, I pity them for being "used" by someone who wanted to develop his song writing skills.)
Contemporary songwriters such as Ogie Alcasid, Jamie Rivera, Jimmy Antiporda, Tots Faustino, APO, Odette Quesada, Jose Marie Chan and Ryan Cayabyab, to mention a few, really inspired me. I never missed watching Ryan-Ryan Musikahan then. It was very inspiring.
I really wanted to enroll in UP Conservatory of Music. But the thought of the possibility of not being able to financially support a family by being a professional musician scared me then. My family's financial crisis at that time aggravated that fear further.
So I just put this talent to a better use. Aside from composing songs for school occasions, I also wrote and recorded songs for women I intended to court. Unfortunately, I always had a broken heart after giving them my songs. I sounded like a hopeless romantic with my songs. Believe it or not, but up to now I have this sort of belief that my love songs had some kind of curse on me. So far, women for whom I write love songs, for some reason or another, usually get disconnected with me - emotionally and pyhsically - after some time. It's one reason(or excuse) why I am bit scared to write a song for my wife. (Strangely it does not scare her...hahaha!) An exception, of course, were my friends who asked me to write a song for their girlfriends. Two out of two of them are happily married now with the women to whom they gave my song. This is where my songs strike a luck. Any single man out there wants to try my lucky songs? (Hmmm...why not make a business out of this?)
I remember joining a songwriting contest in my high school senior year. I knew I had a very good composition then. Quite many of my friends and superiors liked my song entry. Unfortunately, the contest was cancelled after I have submitted my entry. I also attempted to join the Metro-Pop songwriting contest. I admittedly procarastinated at that time.
But just recently my song was adjudged in the top ten of the Kerygma Family songwriting contest (I hope there were more than 10 song entries submitted). It will be included in the album production of Shepherd's Voice Praise and Worship Songs. It feels good and very encouraging. It has almost been 12 years when I started to write songs again this year. I thought I've lost it but thank God it's still there.
I hope I can further enhance this gift to inspire and bless others - either with inspiring songs or with songs that give them a better idea of how NOT to write a song.
My Number 2 is Number 1, too
"The first shall be last and the last shall be the first." These words remind us that he who exalts himself shall be humbled; and he who humbles himself in God's eyes shall be exalted. Better yet, those words exhort us that if we are more privileged or gifted than a good number of our brothers, we must all the more seek to serve them. But on the lighter side, these words may mean that between two people or parties in competition not a few of us will often tend to go for the underdog.
In any group of people, there seems to be, by natural order, people who will be more privileged or gifted than others. The family is not an exception to this. I have four gifted kids but I cannot say that one among them is less privileged or gifted. Most parents will agree with me that every child is endowed with unique gifts and each of them is special in his own way. They all have their unique strengths coupled with corresponding weaknesses. A more introvert child tend to be more focused hence can be more imaginative and creative in playing by himself but may find it more challenging to socialize with other kids than his more extrovert siblings. Being a parent, the uniqueness of each child never fails to amaze me. We "manufacture" children under the same "condition, procedure and formula", targeting the same "specs" for every human being but the "output" is expectedly not constant but constantly unique. And that, I guess, is how nature works.
But human as we are, we have a tendency to see and do things unnaturally, sometimes linearly. We arrange things from smallest to biggest, from left to right, from top to bottom, from first to last, etc. Having a big family with four kids, it is imperative to manage them well. We have order and sequence in doing things. At this time, the kids have learned how to wait for their turn. I am confident that it will serve them well to be good citizens of society. But lately, I have realized that this thing has some limitations. It may work well for the "first and the last". The eldest child usually takes the first turn , and the youngest takes the last. And at certain point, I do the opposite. But what about the second child? He takes the 2nd turn most of the time. This kind of "stability" tend to make him less adventurous in going out of his comfort zone. He may think that whatever happens around him, he will always be 2nd in the natural order of things. And I think my son, Zach, is getting quite unnaturally comfortable with this. Since he seldom makes noise, as he has already accepted his fate to always take the 2nd turn, we somehow felt comfortable and overlook that every child must feel the need to be number one in his parents' eyes. How can a person really feel he is loved if he is always number two?(and in the child's logic, he is less prioritized) And I will not be surprised if one day, he may compulsively strive to be and see himself as number one.
So yesterday, my wife and I went out only with Zach, the eldest between the twins and the second among the boys, and brought him to the mall, eat good food, buy a toy of his choice, pick for him a balloon, and watch a movie (He's more excited with the cola and nachos than the movie! Hehe). We tried to make him feel very special. We plan to bring out our children individually these coming weekends. But this time, Zach takes the first turn. Of course, Igi, my eldest child asked why he was not the first one to take his turn. I politely told him that sometimes, Zach can be number one. And in life, people cannot always be in-between--not first, not last. I hope someday Zach can read this blog and understand that he can be more happy than just being stable and comfortable taking the second turn. Every child is number one in his parents' eyes.
In any group of people, there seems to be, by natural order, people who will be more privileged or gifted than others. The family is not an exception to this. I have four gifted kids but I cannot say that one among them is less privileged or gifted. Most parents will agree with me that every child is endowed with unique gifts and each of them is special in his own way. They all have their unique strengths coupled with corresponding weaknesses. A more introvert child tend to be more focused hence can be more imaginative and creative in playing by himself but may find it more challenging to socialize with other kids than his more extrovert siblings. Being a parent, the uniqueness of each child never fails to amaze me. We "manufacture" children under the same "condition, procedure and formula", targeting the same "specs" for every human being but the "output" is expectedly not constant but constantly unique. And that, I guess, is how nature works.
But human as we are, we have a tendency to see and do things unnaturally, sometimes linearly. We arrange things from smallest to biggest, from left to right, from top to bottom, from first to last, etc. Having a big family with four kids, it is imperative to manage them well. We have order and sequence in doing things. At this time, the kids have learned how to wait for their turn. I am confident that it will serve them well to be good citizens of society. But lately, I have realized that this thing has some limitations. It may work well for the "first and the last". The eldest child usually takes the first turn , and the youngest takes the last. And at certain point, I do the opposite. But what about the second child? He takes the 2nd turn most of the time. This kind of "stability" tend to make him less adventurous in going out of his comfort zone. He may think that whatever happens around him, he will always be 2nd in the natural order of things. And I think my son, Zach, is getting quite unnaturally comfortable with this. Since he seldom makes noise, as he has already accepted his fate to always take the 2nd turn, we somehow felt comfortable and overlook that every child must feel the need to be number one in his parents' eyes. How can a person really feel he is loved if he is always number two?(and in the child's logic, he is less prioritized) And I will not be surprised if one day, he may compulsively strive to be and see himself as number one.
So yesterday, my wife and I went out only with Zach, the eldest between the twins and the second among the boys, and brought him to the mall, eat good food, buy a toy of his choice, pick for him a balloon, and watch a movie (He's more excited with the cola and nachos than the movie! Hehe). We tried to make him feel very special. We plan to bring out our children individually these coming weekends. But this time, Zach takes the first turn. Of course, Igi, my eldest child asked why he was not the first one to take his turn. I politely told him that sometimes, Zach can be number one. And in life, people cannot always be in-between--not first, not last. I hope someday Zach can read this blog and understand that he can be more happy than just being stable and comfortable taking the second turn. Every child is number one in his parents' eyes.
Breakdowns and Breakthroughs
A friend-priest (a priest-friend, whatever suits him or you) blogged about "Growing Strong at Broken Places" (ascendesuperius@blogspot.com). It's a long but worthy read. I would like to quote some lines from that piece.
"In my experience as a counselor, I have increasingly grown convinced of – at least for me – an emerging paradox. Sometimes, in order for one to get a breakthrough, ironically all he needs is a breakdown. A breakthrough happens when one’s defenses collapse and one hits rock bottom. But before it can happen, one literally needs to allow that breakdown and collapse to happen. One allows oneself to be wounded all over again, at least temporarily, to revisit a past event, relive it with all its concomitant pain and misery, in order to rewrite that same painful memory and set out on the difficult path of writing new life scripts"
"Weaknesses and sins are not our real enemy. Our real enemy is what classical spiritual writers call “acedia.” Modern authors call it the “noontime devil.” And it is most operative when people lose verve and vitality to grow, - no, not despite our weaknesses, not because of our weaknesses, but beyond our weaknesses."
We usually get struck by things that are meaningful to us depending on the context we are in. When we are hungry, almost all food we see are delicious. But when our gall bladders are full, no food may seem palatable to us. And when we are hungry and thirsty for love, we have this tendency to believe that people (or our addictions) can fill such hunger and thirst. Those quotes above are meaningful to me now because they point to what I am going through.
We die when we resist to grow; but we need to die(temporarily) to grow. Being aware and embracing our weaknesses and broken places is a way of dying to ourselves. And growing beyond them is living!
In recent years, with the help of reliable and caring friends, I have become more aware of my issues. And it feels liberating to understand some , if not most, of them. I am starting to appreciate the reality that insights to our issues is not even half of the work needed to become better persons. It is the daily grind of living, not despite of, not because of, but beyond our weaknesses. Putting this to action excites me (and still scares me sometimes…hahaha).
In the past several months, my issues have glaringly resurfaced and I have been tested. I am not quite sure whether I have handled it well or not. It may take some more time to better comprehend it. But I am quite sure that there are new insights and perspectives I have learned from my recent experience. I have experienced a breakdown (fortunately not a total breakdown…hehehe) and the thought that in due time I may get a breakthrough excites me. I may be feeling better now but I am trying to convince myself that feeling better does not guarantee that I am getting better. (Conversely, feeling bad does not necessarily mean that I am bad or things are less hopeful). There is a lot of hard work to be done.
KerygmaFamily Forum
Today, the 6th of August, marked my 6th month in the Kerygma Family Forum. Time flies! I joined KerygmaFamily because I found Bo's audio/video teachings in the website very inspiring. Well, I used to subscribe to Kerygma Magazine around 10 years ago. I would occasionally buy a copy of some of Bo's books and audio tapes. I cannot be qualified as a fanatic nor an admirer but Bo's preaching never failed to touch my heart.
It was my first time to join an online forum; I was quite shy posting a comment in the forum much as I am a shy guy in person. I did not expect to meet friends online. I never thought it was possible (friends in the real sense of the word). I never had an experience chatting online. Browsing through the different threads in the forum, I was inspired to encourage(or give advice to those who seek it) people who are discouraged, upset, frustrated or depressed in their current life. Besides, helping people online complimented my know-how in the basic counseling course I was taking up then. It was(and is still) something very fulfilling to do.
I had the chance to meet some of online friends about 3 weeks ago in person and I truly felt the warmth of their friendship. How I wish I can deepen my friendship with all of them not only online but in the real world.
Family Visit
Mama and my siblings arrived here yesterday for a one week visit as my sister wanted to celebrate her birthday (Aug. 10) in Singapore. They love to see my kids (not me perhaps...hahaha). Papa cannot make it since he will be flying to Saudi Arabia to oversee a project there for about 4 months. You just cannot stop Papa from working. I miss him.
Family occasions like this are very rare for us now. Before my family moved here to Singapore, we would usually have a family get together for about twice a month. Mama and Papa always wanted to see my children and play with them. Of course, it was also the time for me and my siblings to catch up with one another and with Mama and Papa. It was an occasion I really enjoyed much and which I badly miss now in Singapore.
Mama and Papa are in their mid-60's and they are not as healthy as they used to be. My mom had a stroke 7 years ago and half of her body was paralyzed. Though this was unfortunate, I could say that it was an answered prayer that she survived that stroke. My Uncle(her youngest brother) died in his first stroke. I recall that day when I received a call from my sister telling me that they were in the ambulance with my mom who just had a stroke. I immediately excused myself from an office meeting then and rushed to Manila to check on my mom. My wife accompanied me and we recited the Rosary on our way to the hospital. I begged God to give my mom some more years to live so that she could still enjoy the company of her grandson (Luigi), who was barely 2-months old then. She survived that stroke and now enjoys playing with her four grandchildren now. Sometimes I feel guilty that I decided to move here to Singapore because my parents are now far from their grandchildren(and from me of course…hahaha). But that's life. I just hope that she can fully enjoy her week stay here in Singapore with us now.
I do pray that God continue to keep Mama and Papa healthy. They are in the sunset of their lives and I am trying my best to be more expressive of my love for them in my own simple ways. Mama and I attended together the 10:30 Mass today. During the offering of the sign of peace, I hugged and kissed Mama. It was something that I rarely do in years. It just felt so natural. I wish I did it more often then (That will be for another blog). After the Mass, I treated Mama and my siblings to a lunch buffet and we really had quality time. We all enjoyed the food and each other's company. I felt my Mama was very delighted with the food (and of course with me! Hahaha).
Lord, please let Mama and Papa enjoy more the life that they truly deserve.
Sunday Jogging
For the past several weeks, my wife and I jog every Sunday afternoon. It is a common knowledge that activities such as jogging enables the body to generate endorphins which helps improve our mood. Isn't it just great to be filled with endorphins together with your partner? With a tranquil ambiance of nature park coupled with our lighter moods, it is much more conducive to connect with each other. It's now becoming a weekly ritual . I personally look forward to it.
We are almost into our 7th year of marriage and I can say that such activity is important in enhancing our bonding. It is in this time of our relationship that romance does not easily come as it usually did. And we must find ways and means to deepen our friendship . If we want our relationship to bring us deeper happiness, greater efforts are expected from us. My wife has been the best wife she could ever be. She's not perfect but she's certainly the best that God can give me. I am an imperfect husband with all the potential to be the worst husband in the world. But my wife's love for me has made me feel that I am worthy of love. Despite all the trials that happened in our relationship my wife stood by me. How can someone like me not love her even more if she loves her husband that much?
When I was much younger, I was a hopeless romantic(HR). And I think to some extent, I took pride in being one. I used to believe that a hopeless romantic is more heroic in expressing his love to the lady of his dreams than most of the other men. An HR can write poems and songs to the lady he loves; he can be sweet and thoughtful to the girl's delight; and he knows no boundaries in expressing his heartfelt love. Indeed, these all seems to be "heroic" acts of a love. And to some extent, they can be pure expressions of one's love. However, that can also be tricky because a hopeless romantic--a young HR--is usually filled with strong emotions such that these heroic acts of love may not be will-driven. Yeah, I raise my hand as someone guilty of this.
I am still learning to appreciate that love, more than any romantic feelings, is an act of the will for someone we genuinely love. (Oh no, I am not preaching here.) Imagine, it is only in the 7th year of our marriage that I am beginning to have a deeper appreciation of this truth? And I ask myself, what was I thinking all those years? What have I really done?
Honey, I hope that every time I tell you "I Love You", I can back it up with more concrete and heroic acts of love.
We are almost into our 7th year of marriage and I can say that such activity is important in enhancing our bonding. It is in this time of our relationship that romance does not easily come as it usually did. And we must find ways and means to deepen our friendship . If we want our relationship to bring us deeper happiness, greater efforts are expected from us. My wife has been the best wife she could ever be. She's not perfect but she's certainly the best that God can give me. I am an imperfect husband with all the potential to be the worst husband in the world. But my wife's love for me has made me feel that I am worthy of love. Despite all the trials that happened in our relationship my wife stood by me. How can someone like me not love her even more if she loves her husband that much?
When I was much younger, I was a hopeless romantic(HR). And I think to some extent, I took pride in being one. I used to believe that a hopeless romantic is more heroic in expressing his love to the lady of his dreams than most of the other men. An HR can write poems and songs to the lady he loves; he can be sweet and thoughtful to the girl's delight; and he knows no boundaries in expressing his heartfelt love. Indeed, these all seems to be "heroic" acts of a love. And to some extent, they can be pure expressions of one's love. However, that can also be tricky because a hopeless romantic--a young HR--is usually filled with strong emotions such that these heroic acts of love may not be will-driven. Yeah, I raise my hand as someone guilty of this.
I am still learning to appreciate that love, more than any romantic feelings, is an act of the will for someone we genuinely love. (Oh no, I am not preaching here.) Imagine, it is only in the 7th year of our marriage that I am beginning to have a deeper appreciation of this truth? And I ask myself, what was I thinking all those years? What have I really done?
Honey, I hope that every time I tell you "I Love You", I can back it up with more concrete and heroic acts of love.
Personality Test
As I have mentioned in the preceding blog, I have taken the NEO personality inventory test two weeks ago. My spiritual director gave me this test to further underpin the vulnerabilities of my personality. That through this test I may be able to understand how to better handle my issues. I thought this test would give me some hope that despite my struggles, there are untapped talents I can use to my advantage. Much to my surprise, the result showed that I have to do a lot of hard work and house cleaning. I was all the more sucked into my so-called depression. There were no untapped talents that I can use to convince myself that things were not as bad as they seem. On the contrary, my weaknesses surfaced out in that test. Weaknesses that I may have denied unconsciously were all verified in black and white.
I was down and felt so broken that I seem so hopeless and helpless. Good thing was it made me realized that that was reality. Just like in any math problems, all the unknowns, givens and constants are laid down. There is no other option but to buckle down to work and find the solution or a means to cope with the situation. When the unknowns, givens and constants in a problem are correct and true, I am at least 50% confident that there IS a correct answer to be expected. Self-pity and blame will not help alleviate those uncomfortable feelings in me. Happiness was my only choice.
A tool that is helping me in my recovery is the book Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. It is a book about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This field of psychotherapy proposes that what we feel is a product of our cognitions and/or behaviors. If we work on our distorted cognitions and behaviors, our feelings can improve. Of course, it is not as simple as that. There are unexplainable feelings that affect the way we think and behave; that sometimes, without the help of professionals, we would not be able to understand and improve.
I know that I am not alone in this healing process. My friends have their own fair share of struggles. And mine may not be as serious as theirs. I now live a day at a time. Things may not look as good as I wanted them to be but I know I am moving in the right direction. It will just be a matter of time.
I was down and felt so broken that I seem so hopeless and helpless. Good thing was it made me realized that that was reality. Just like in any math problems, all the unknowns, givens and constants are laid down. There is no other option but to buckle down to work and find the solution or a means to cope with the situation. When the unknowns, givens and constants in a problem are correct and true, I am at least 50% confident that there IS a correct answer to be expected. Self-pity and blame will not help alleviate those uncomfortable feelings in me. Happiness was my only choice.
A tool that is helping me in my recovery is the book Feeling Good by Dr. David Burns. It is a book about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. This field of psychotherapy proposes that what we feel is a product of our cognitions and/or behaviors. If we work on our distorted cognitions and behaviors, our feelings can improve. Of course, it is not as simple as that. There are unexplainable feelings that affect the way we think and behave; that sometimes, without the help of professionals, we would not be able to understand and improve.
I know that I am not alone in this healing process. My friends have their own fair share of struggles. And mine may not be as serious as theirs. I now live a day at a time. Things may not look as good as I wanted them to be but I know I am moving in the right direction. It will just be a matter of time.
Counseling Course
I passed Module 1 of the Basic Counseling that I took up in January'07. I have not yet decided whether to take up Module 2 and 3 which will start this week. Module 2 is a supervised counseling practicum and Module 3 is on Marital Counseling. I am having second thoughts of finishing this course because I will be getting busier the next two quarters as we are about to launch a product at work. If I really love this endeavor, I will find ways to manage my schedule and find time to finish this course. I feel I have the talent to be in counseling. But lately, it seems that the desire to finish a course in counseling have simmered down a bit.
I wanted to take up counseling because I felt that I have the talent to become a counselor. Close friends have encouraged me to pursue this course as they appreciate my gift in counseling(in reality, people do not come to me to seek advice but to get the approval of the choices they have already made). But counseling is much more challenging than I what I thought it was. It's more than understanding the problem of the client and gaining insights into possible causes and solutions. It is a total giving of oneself to the client. It is offering something that I have to the client. Success in counseling does not solely depend in the micro-skills and analysis skills of the counselor (though they are important skills to have). One must have a genuine love and interest in the client.
After taking the NEO personality inventory test two weeks ago, I am having doubts as to whether I really have the gift in counseling. I still have so many homework to do with my self. A lot of house cleaning to perform. With all these, what can I really offer my future clients? And if I should decide to take the deep dive first and see, I might be loosing the $800 course fee if I back out In the middle of the course.
Lord, guide my heart to make the right decision. Not my will but Your will be done. Amen
Catching Up
I need to do some catching up in this blog after more than a month of silence. Not that I was extremely busy nor very preoccuppied with more important stuffs the past several weeks. In fact, I am starting to blog again because I am getting busier these days at work.
Not only do I want to catch up with blogging but I want to catch up with life. I want to blog again because I want to live again. (How about that for a jingle?) Ok, hold it right there. I do not intend to dramatize whatever challenges I've been through lately. I just want to say that sometimes we feel that we have stopped living because we get confused with what's more important in life. That's what happened to me. Life sometimes has it's way of telling us that some of our ways of thinking and doing things don't work anymore. And we cannot forever bargain with life. Time and tide do not wait for any man. We have to move on. Forward.
Yeah, life sometimes kicks our butts! It sometimes hits us where we are weak and vulnerable. And when it hits us there, there is nothing more important to us than the pain we experience. Our toothache is our world! I had a "toothache" lately, that's figuratively speaking. And am now in the process of extracting this "decayed tooth". I want to enjoy life with all its realities. There is joy in simple things. There is joy in taking big risks in life even though we may fail sometimes. And that is why I am blogging. I want to experience the simple joy it brings which for the past several weeks I can't find joy in.
So I am welcoming myself home. I want to catch up with myself. I want to be soulsearcher again!
Not only do I want to catch up with blogging but I want to catch up with life. I want to blog again because I want to live again. (How about that for a jingle?) Ok, hold it right there. I do not intend to dramatize whatever challenges I've been through lately. I just want to say that sometimes we feel that we have stopped living because we get confused with what's more important in life. That's what happened to me. Life sometimes has it's way of telling us that some of our ways of thinking and doing things don't work anymore. And we cannot forever bargain with life. Time and tide do not wait for any man. We have to move on. Forward.
Yeah, life sometimes kicks our butts! It sometimes hits us where we are weak and vulnerable. And when it hits us there, there is nothing more important to us than the pain we experience. Our toothache is our world! I had a "toothache" lately, that's figuratively speaking. And am now in the process of extracting this "decayed tooth". I want to enjoy life with all its realities. There is joy in simple things. There is joy in taking big risks in life even though we may fail sometimes. And that is why I am blogging. I want to experience the simple joy it brings which for the past several weeks I can't find joy in.
So I am welcoming myself home. I want to catch up with myself. I want to be soulsearcher again!
Swimming Lessons
Yesterday, I was so delighted to see, Igi, my eldest, and Blaise, the youngest among the boys, finally able to swim across the ends of the pool (about 30 meters) at their young age of 5 and 4 respectively. Blaise, the most athletic of the boys (because Raine, my daughter, is the most athletic of them all!) was the first to learn swimming. His strokes and timing are very natural. Igi’s strokes and timing are quite off but more effective.
I am not a swimming coach and I am not a scientific swimmer. I can float and I can swim from point A to point B and that’s it—like a dog or frog or turtle, it doesn’t matter. The little that I know, I share to my kids. To my surprise, they mirrored back to me more precious lessons.
If my sons’ friends would ask them how they learned to swim, they might give these pointers:
1) I’d really like to swim in the deeper pool because it’s where Dad and I have more fun
1) To swim a distant, I build my confidence swimming short distances first
2) In building confidence in short distances, it's easier when Dad is within reach
3) Dad must move back when I swim nearer to him; he must stretch my abilities
4) When I am about to give up before the destination, Dad tells me how close I am and I usually can finish
5) At times I would not make it, Dad would hold me up, embrace me and tell me to try again
6) When I succeed in swimming across the pool, Dad shows me how far I’ve swam…then I know I can swim and I’m good at it
I can't help to see similarities in learning to “swim” from who I am now to who I am meant to be--from this world to thy-kingdom-come.
Sons, please teach your Dad some more.
I am not a swimming coach and I am not a scientific swimmer. I can float and I can swim from point A to point B and that’s it—like a dog or frog or turtle, it doesn’t matter. The little that I know, I share to my kids. To my surprise, they mirrored back to me more precious lessons.
If my sons’ friends would ask them how they learned to swim, they might give these pointers:
1) I’d really like to swim in the deeper pool because it’s where Dad and I have more fun
1) To swim a distant, I build my confidence swimming short distances first
2) In building confidence in short distances, it's easier when Dad is within reach
3) Dad must move back when I swim nearer to him; he must stretch my abilities
4) When I am about to give up before the destination, Dad tells me how close I am and I usually can finish
5) At times I would not make it, Dad would hold me up, embrace me and tell me to try again
6) When I succeed in swimming across the pool, Dad shows me how far I’ve swam…then I know I can swim and I’m good at it
I can't help to see similarities in learning to “swim” from who I am now to who I am meant to be--from this world to thy-kingdom-come.
Sons, please teach your Dad some more.
Independence Day
12th of this month, we commemorate our country’s independence from our Spanish colonizers. Our forefathers fought long and hard for this independence. But from most historians’ account, it was a very short lived one since new colonizers—who bought us from the Spaniards—immediately came in. It may be a pseudo independence but it was a milestone worth celebrating for our country.
Celebrating small victories is a way to gain momentum to win a big war. Yet we are all aware that winning small battles does not necessarily ensure final victory; we may even lose small battles at times.
In life, we tend to go to both extremes. We celebrate small victories as though the work and struggle is over; or feel so down and out when we lost small battles as though we have been conquered. I feel the latter for the past several weeks. The feeling of defeat seems more emphasized when I cannot see (or probably refuse to see) what the struggle is all about or what I stand to gain from it.
Probably when we have a “Why” to go into battle and fully embrace it, the “How” in winning the battle comes very naturally. Temporary setbacks or victories would not derail us to achieve the final victory.
The Cavs may have lost Games 1 &2 of the NBA Finals Series but I’ll bet they’ll come out stronger for Game 3 at home. I always go for the underdogs. I myself will come out stronger and recover….
Celebrating small victories is a way to gain momentum to win a big war. Yet we are all aware that winning small battles does not necessarily ensure final victory; we may even lose small battles at times.
In life, we tend to go to both extremes. We celebrate small victories as though the work and struggle is over; or feel so down and out when we lost small battles as though we have been conquered. I feel the latter for the past several weeks. The feeling of defeat seems more emphasized when I cannot see (or probably refuse to see) what the struggle is all about or what I stand to gain from it.
Probably when we have a “Why” to go into battle and fully embrace it, the “How” in winning the battle comes very naturally. Temporary setbacks or victories would not derail us to achieve the final victory.
The Cavs may have lost Games 1 &2 of the NBA Finals Series but I’ll bet they’ll come out stronger for Game 3 at home. I always go for the underdogs. I myself will come out stronger and recover….
Orange Juice
My family went last night to West Coast Park to tour my in-laws and a nephew who are visiting us. The kids played in the swings, slides and everything there as if it's always the first time. Taking a sip of cold orange juice while watching them play, I cannot help but feel grateful to God for such wonderful gifts. It was a dream come true.
My eldest son was not "made" in Boracay where my wife and I had our honeymoon. We would muse that he was made at home after the honeymoon--after several patient attempts. I was a bit nervous at that time that my wife might not be able to conceive a child. But lo and behold, I even have now a twins. Four children--three boys, with a twins, a young cute and lovely princess--all of them healthy and bright. What more can I ask for?
At times I can be so engrossed thinking about what my specific Divine Assignments at work and in my community would be 5-10 years down the road. I want to contribute something meaningful and significant. But sometimes I tend to overlook that fact that having a family is itself a Divine assignment and a high priority at that.
I guess I have to take more fresh orange juice these days.
My eldest son was not "made" in Boracay where my wife and I had our honeymoon. We would muse that he was made at home after the honeymoon--after several patient attempts. I was a bit nervous at that time that my wife might not be able to conceive a child. But lo and behold, I even have now a twins. Four children--three boys, with a twins, a young cute and lovely princess--all of them healthy and bright. What more can I ask for?
At times I can be so engrossed thinking about what my specific Divine Assignments at work and in my community would be 5-10 years down the road. I want to contribute something meaningful and significant. But sometimes I tend to overlook that fact that having a family is itself a Divine assignment and a high priority at that.
I guess I have to take more fresh orange juice these days.
Riding a Bus
I take a bus everyday going to work. In the 15 minutes trip, I either read a book, or listen to music with MySony or occasionally recite the rosary or just let my mind wonder freely. The past days I allowed my mind to wonder and it bumped into something seemingly trivial but quite meaningful.
People change. Riding a bus can reveal to us funny and startling changes in us. So what changed in the way I ride a bus from my student days?
Before, I prefer sitting near the window. I never seem to get tired seeing the same things, place and people along the way--there seem to be always something new to see outside the bus. I don’t mind if I have to squeeze myself past the passenger sitting near the aisle. I enjoyed the wind brushing my face. So it’s not a big deal combing my hair after the trip. If there are no available seats near the window, I just take the nearest one.
Now, I prefer sitting near the aisle not only because it’s easier and faster to alight, but it seems that looking outside the bus is not as exciting as before. And it’s quite inconvenient now to squeeze past the person near the aisle—careful not let him/her kiss my butt, specially when the driver steps on the brakes. Yes, I don’t wanna comb my hair after a ride. Oh, I now comb my hair just twice a day—before I sleep and after I take my morning bath. (I recall always having a comb in my pocket then—my fingers now would do.) Now, in choosing an empty seat, I’d prefer to sit beside a more pleasant-looking person.
Do all these observations suggest then that my sense of awe and wonder have diminished? That I’m are more concerned with bottom lines and destinations rather than enjoying the trip? That not sitting beside a more pleasant-looking person will make my trip less enjoyable?
Hmmm…why not try again my old bus riding habits for a week?
People change. Riding a bus can reveal to us funny and startling changes in us. So what changed in the way I ride a bus from my student days?
Before, I prefer sitting near the window. I never seem to get tired seeing the same things, place and people along the way--there seem to be always something new to see outside the bus. I don’t mind if I have to squeeze myself past the passenger sitting near the aisle. I enjoyed the wind brushing my face. So it’s not a big deal combing my hair after the trip. If there are no available seats near the window, I just take the nearest one.
Now, I prefer sitting near the aisle not only because it’s easier and faster to alight, but it seems that looking outside the bus is not as exciting as before. And it’s quite inconvenient now to squeeze past the person near the aisle—careful not let him/her kiss my butt, specially when the driver steps on the brakes. Yes, I don’t wanna comb my hair after a ride. Oh, I now comb my hair just twice a day—before I sleep and after I take my morning bath. (I recall always having a comb in my pocket then—my fingers now would do.) Now, in choosing an empty seat, I’d prefer to sit beside a more pleasant-looking person.
Do all these observations suggest then that my sense of awe and wonder have diminished? That I’m are more concerned with bottom lines and destinations rather than enjoying the trip? That not sitting beside a more pleasant-looking person will make my trip less enjoyable?
Hmmm…why not try again my old bus riding habits for a week?
So why Soulsearcher for a handle?
Just a quick thought. No intentions to be philosophical or spiritual about it. Words with double meaning are fun. But sometimes quick thoughts and our kind of fun reveal something more about us. So after using this handle for almost a month, I took time to think how my unconscious might have suggested this nickname.
People at crossroads are basically soul searching. They examine themselves--who they really are, what they really want, where they really want to go, what must they do or stop doing. I am at crossroads (more on that in my succeeding blogs). But being too self-focused makes people miss the hundred other ways God can speak to us. God can speak to us through other people. People who in their brokeness can help us discover our own brokeness. It is in this discovery that we realize how dependent we are to God. Such dependency, which may be a sign of weakness, will be our source of strength. It is in our search for our soul that we become compassionate with other people.
When we search for souls, we can find our souls. Better yet, when we search our souls, we find other souls to help along the journey.
Did I say I had no intentions to be philosophical or spiritual about it? Hehe
People at crossroads are basically soul searching. They examine themselves--who they really are, what they really want, where they really want to go, what must they do or stop doing. I am at crossroads (more on that in my succeeding blogs). But being too self-focused makes people miss the hundred other ways God can speak to us. God can speak to us through other people. People who in their brokeness can help us discover our own brokeness. It is in this discovery that we realize how dependent we are to God. Such dependency, which may be a sign of weakness, will be our source of strength. It is in our search for our soul that we become compassionate with other people.
When we search for souls, we can find our souls. Better yet, when we search our souls, we find other souls to help along the journey.
Did I say I had no intentions to be philosophical or spiritual about it? Hehe
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